There are other reasons -- many good, many bad -- for why it's good to punish Elmers, many of them illegal, but a great many of them completely legal.

But that begs the next question:

Keying SUVs -- Does It Work

When someone keys or burns an SUV or otherwise vandalizes Elmer's surrogate penis, does it actually punish the moron? Does it get that moron off the road to the point where he no longer constitutes a hazard to normal people?

It is our collective belief here at the Stop Elmer Fudd web site that the results are mixed: It may get an Elmer off the road for a while, or for a long time. Then again, it may only anger the Elmer (which is a plus and always a good think; get them angry enough and maybe they'll do something to get themselves killed or thrown into jail) and only cause Elmer some financial expenses which don't remove him from our highways.

We can break the consequence of vandalizing Elmer's surrogate penis into two sections which are further broken up into minor sections:

• Insurance Covers the Elmer or SUV Dealership

  • If a private insurance company covers Elmer's damage, or if the SUV or "Hummer" is on a car dealer's lot, the insurance may or may not cover the damage depending upon how much damage was done and the method of how the damage was acquired. Also if the insrance company decides that the owner of the SUV or the dealership committed the damage himself to defraud the insurance carrier, the insurance company will not pay off. Elmer may or may not be removed from the road the rest of us have to use depending upon his insurance carrier's decisions and depending upon how much damage there is.

  • If a private insurance carrier covers Elmer's SUV, the deductable may be more expensive that the cost of the repairs in which case Elmer will have to fix the damage himself or continue to ride around with it. Any one incident of vandalism constitutes a single comprehensive coverage, and if Elmer's surrogate penis gets attacked ten times where the accumulated damage reaches $10,000, for example, Elmer can't go to his insurance carrier and claim it as a single act of vandalism; he would have to commit fraud by claiming it's all one incident of vandalism else he would have to pay deductables on all ten attacks. (Or something like that. We here at the Stop Elmer Fudd web site noted that the owners of the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center were forced to argue that the United States was attacked twice, not once, in order to get their insurance carrier to cough up for both towers.) Elmer may or may not be removed from the road for the same reasons as above.

• No Insurance so the Elmer Pays for Vandalism

  • As noted above, acts of vandalism against Elmers for the crimes they commit with their SUVs may not be covered by insurance or Elmer doesn't have insurance. If Elmer doesn't have insurance, destroying his surrogate penis takes him off the road for a good long time. If Elmer doesn't have insurance and the damage only disables his surrogate penis, Elmer is only taken off the road for a short period of time.

  • If Elmer doesn't have insurance but does have enough money to fix his surrogate penis, he has only been taken off the road for a short period of time.

In all, we here at the Stop Elmer Fudd web site offer the following conclusion about the relative merits of National Key An SUV Week:

While the goals and reasons for vandalizing Elmer's SUV and "Hummers" are all very good and perfectly reasonable, we find that doing so very rarely would remove an Elmer from the highways and, since he still constitutes a fatal threat to others on the highway and to the environment despite being vandalized or set fire to, it's rather pointless to commit crimes against Elmers since it doesn't achieve the desired results.

You may have noticed that there's one other goal, one other reason why keying or otherwise vandalizing Elmer's surrogate penis that isn't enumerated in the above. We've set it aside because it's not a material goal, one that saves lives or protects the environment. Specifically:

• Key the mother frocking moron because it feels good!

Some of us here at the Stop Elmer Fudd web site believe that the massive backlash against SUV Elmers we're seeing across the United States is due to the hazards, fatalities, oil wars et al. that Elmers inflict upon the normal people of the United States.

Some of us believe that much of the backlash is done because it simply feels good to punish Elmers who kill or kids on the highway, cause oil wars et al.

But even when the reason is because it feels good to punish the morons, we here at the Stop Elmer Fudd web site don't think that's quite good enough reason to risk going to jail for. If it got them off the street (which would save lives) then the concensus here is that it would be worth doing. But since vandalism doesn't get Elmers of the street, it's stupid to vandalize them.

It's far, far better to slack bumper stickers on them or put traffic tickets for being morons on their windshields. That lets Elmer know why everybody hates him -- and punishes him as well.