U.S. DROPS SUVs ON "INSURGENTS"
October 6, 2005
'Operation Iron Junk' In Full Swing Across Iraq, Says Rumsfeld
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld announced today that the U.S.
military was taking advantage of American car dealers' huge inventory
of unsold sport utility vehicles by dropping the SUVs on insurgent
positions across Iraq.
The defense secretary revealed details of the new offensive, called
Operation Iron Junk, at a briefing today at the Pentagon.
"Car dealers can't get rid of SUVs, and we can't seem to get rid of
those pesky insurgents," Mr. Rumsfeld told reporters.
"Hopefully, by dropping SUVs on insurgents, we will get rid
of both."
Operation Iron Junk began over the weekend when a C-17 Globemaster III
cargo plane pounded insurgent positions in the town of Qaim near the
Syrian border by opening its cargo hold and dumping fourteen fully
loaded Lincoln Navigators on foreign fighters and suspected al Qaeda
operatives.
"There is nothing scarier than seeing one of those mammoth gas
guzzlers falling from the sky," chuckled Mr. Rumsfeld. "I
wish I'd been there!"
Mr. Rumsfeld said that while most of the SUV strikes have been
successful, a few have missed their mark, including a sortie on Sunday
in which a Ford Expedition landed on an unoccupied Toyota Prius,
instantly crushing it.
But on the whole, the defense secretary was prepared to call Operation
Iron Junk a success: "This is by far the most mileage anyone has ever
gotten out of an SUV."
Elsewhere, in a possible breach of the separation of church and state,
Rep. Tom DeLay (R-Tex) introduced a bill in Congress calling for God to
smite a Texas grand jury with locusts.
--- Andy Borowitz
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