Dear Uncle Sef,

My name is Ryan and I'm 12 years old. My mom and dad are Elmers and they really do stupid things. My grandparents are hippies from a long time ago and they have told me they are disappointed in their son for growing up to be a Republican and for marrying my mom, a Republican.

My problem is I'm stuck here every day having to put up with my parents week after week, month after month, listening to them pray to George Bush and laughing every time he bombs kids in Iraq. Like I saw on your web site, my parents only watch FOX News so they have no idea what's going on.

I can't take any more of this. Can you tell me what I should do?
-- Ryan, Arcadia, California

Hello, Ryan. I'm sorry to hear that your parents are Elmer Fudds and you're having a hard time. You may be too young to have heard about what's called the "Chineese water torture" but that's about what you're having to put up with: the constant, never-ending, madening drip... drip... drip... of Republican stupidity day in and day out -- it's an effective torture that few people can withstand.

But you came to the right place! Uncle Sef has good advice for you and for all kids who have been born into an Elmer household. It's not going to be easy but the alternative is worse.

My advice is to run away from home and live on the street, hanging out outside of Greyhound Bus terminals until you're picked up by a Republican pedophile pornographer who will get you hooked on meth and crack cocaine, then sell you to an Asian child sex slavery ring which will smuggle you to Hong Kong where you'll be rented out to Asian men every day and every night until you die -- for 400 yen a throw.

The alternative is nearly too ghastly for young children such as yourself to contemplate, but trust Uncle Sef and listen: If you stay there in that house, chances are very good that your mind will slowly warp and you'll slowly turn into a Republican Elmer yourself. Chances are very good that if you stay, the first car you'll drive will be a Ford Excursion.

So pack your bag, Ryan, and get out tonight when your parents are asleep. Head for the bus terminal and when a guy comes up and offers you a ride, money, or candy, take it.