Adventures in Elmerland

Adventures in Elmerland, 11/March/2007

Normally one finds Elmers riding around in SUVs or pickup trucks with clown tires, laboring under the embarrassing lack of a suitable penis and trying to compensate. Conceivably the Elmer I came across this past week end had stolen the bicycle he was riding and had stolen the queer clothes he was wearing since finding Elmers on bicycles is indeed extremely rare.

In the peace and tranquillity of the San Gabriel Mountains, sweating and puffing my way slowly up the mountain, pushing my old bicycle, I was passed by a crowd of about a dozen bicycle riders, all wearing gay clothes (take that either way) and all looking virtually indistinguishable -- except for one: he was unique.

It seems that an Elmer in the middle of the cloud was coming up the mountain with his big Republican yap going, yelling around to the other bicycle riders as loudly as he could about whatever it was that entered what passes for his brain.

I've got my heavy backpack on, a tent and another heavy sack roped to my bicycle's handle bars. Roped to the bottom of my backpack is a bright orange sleeping bag wrapped in a water-resisting bag.

So when most of the bicycle riders quietly biked past, we exchanged hand waves the way most bicycle riders up here do. Bicycle riders are usually silent, enjoying the quiet. When the Elmer in among them came next to me, the idiot yelled across -- from a distance of three feet -- "ARE YOU GO WIN TU SPEND THE NIGHT?!" like a frocking Republican idiot.

Good grief. It's nine in the morning and I'm working my way up the mountain with tent, sleeping bag, backpack, and bicycle and this Republidiot shatters the quiet mountain morning air with his insane Elmer screaming idiot stupidity!

So I quietly told the Elmer to be quiet. He continued to bike on then said -- in a quieter voice, at least -- "Oh! Okay, I won't tell if you won't tell" and then the Elmer biked out of range, mouth still going.

Typical Elmer: his fucking loud yap is something he never thinks about, never gives any consideration to, never feels is inappropriate. He's a Republican, after all, with a Republican IQ and a Republican lack of his own inappropriate behavior.

The noise slowly faded and I was left with the breeze going though the ancient oaks and pines and the babble of the stream far down in the canyon on my right.

I spent that night sleeping in a drainage ditch along the closed section of the highway, waiting until the Moon came out to fall asleep. In the morning I packed up quickly and started heading down.

Above the San Gabriel Dam, a long line of vehicles was working their way up the highway with an Elmer in an SUV at the head of it leading the parade. The rightard's vehicle was struggling and screaming, trying to make it up the moderate grade -- a typical Elmer driving his surrogate penis, thinking he's finally important now that he can slow down (he has no choice; his SUV can't go any faster) a line of 30 cars who can't safely pass him.

The Elmer has found himself a "Mister Microphone" or something. He's repeatedly swerving on to the dirt breakdown shoulder of the highway and swerving back on to the highway, kicking up dirt and rocks specifically to spray the cars behind him with it all.

And while the Elmer in the SUV is doing this, he's on the "Mister Microphone" with all his windows down and the radio in his surrogate penis turned all the way up, yelling "Yes, we got Positive Traction!" was the only "intelligible" thing that came out the windows, that and "hooray!"

As the Elmer with the penis problem went careening on past me while I continued to hike my way down, the Elmer yelled something else on his little toy which was drowned out by the noise of his SUV engine trying to make speed up the highway.

Fortunately, some times these Elmer piles of Republican kill themselves and they don't take innocent people along with them. After I biked down the mountain, on the police radio I got to listen to a rescue attempt on a motorcycle Elmer who managed to smash himself up on the highway.

These motorcycle Elmers race up and down the highway, leaning over at high speed as they come around the curves in the canyon road, not a care in the world that there are other people who use the highway. This god damned pile of Republican had managed to expire while waiting for an ambulance -- the two helicopters that might have saved the Elmer were already in use somewhere else.

"Going to spend the night?" Jesus, Elmers on rare occasion can be amusing. They're always fucking idiots, however. Always.

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